Angharad Stevens: “I Don’t Think You Ever Stop ‘Coming Out”

By Angharad Stevens, Category Strategy Assistant Manager at Unilever

I came out rather explosively and incredibly quickly. I had just moved to Melbourne on my study abroad, and within 48 hours (helped along ever so slightly with some Dutch courage), I was sobbing down the phone to my parents: “I think I’m gay”.

Some context to this, I had recently broken up with my boyfriend so that I could move to Australia ‘unhindered’ as I kept explaining to people. You would think I might have known that this ever-functional view of relationships with men was a bit of a warning sign… Alas, it took moving 10,000 miles away from both those I loved and knew, as well as the person I knew myself to be, for it to click. And man, did it click.

I say explosive and quick because apart from my ever-witchy mother, this announcement was unexpected from all, least of all me (most of all my father, who, due to the time difference, was not expecting his morning coffee to be disturbed by his highly emotional daughter crying down the phone). I appreciate it may sound like I just woke up one day and decided, ‘Today, I am gay’, but I can only attribute it to years of suppression and this huge geographical and emotional distance causing an absolute tidal wave.

Anyway, that night went a bit like this for me:

After telling my parents, I was met with a glitch of silence which stopped me in my sobbing tracks… only for this sobbing to be broken by the cackling response mixed with gleeful clapping. My mother: ‘I knew I couldn’t have birthed five of you and all of you be boring!!! This is incredible!!! How long has this taken you to realise?' And my ever-calm Dad: ‘Amazing. Love that. Of course you are.. I mean come on.. women… Can I go back to my coffee now please?’

And within 2 minutes I was out to the most important people – the rest would be easy.

Right? Wrong.

I was raised in a small village in West Wales, I’ll spare you the gory details but after coming out I lost almost all contact with any friends back home. This was something I think I had prepped for, but nonetheless was a massive shock to me. But that’s ok, I can talk a brick wall into utter despair and so I wasn’t short of incredible friends who helped to create that love and community I needed. This realisation coming so early in my one-and-a-half-year trip meant I had the most incredible time exploring a new part of the world as well as a ‘new’ Angharad.

I don’t think you ever stop ‘coming out’. I benefit from the privilege of being white, cisgendered and femme presenting but this comes with its own set of challenges. I largely spend almost all of my first interactions correcting ‘your boyfriend’ assumptions – professionally and personally – and often having to defend my ‘gay-ness’, but I try to really work out someone’s intention with these mistakes – often they’re as embarrassed as you are! It helps that I can’t make it through a single conversation without gushing about my incredible girlfriend…

I could talk about this forever, but my key advice would be to be strong, be confident and do what feels right for you.

So, my learnings (from my experience – remember, every single one is different):

• You don’t know until you try - the real you is the best you!
• The right people you want and need in your future will always love you
• Move to Melbourne