“Know You’ll Mess up Sometimes”: Paul Kilpatrick on Allyship

By Paul Kilpatrick, Assistant Director, D&I Committee Member and Women at Brewin network Co-founder and Lead. Winner of the ‘Male Ally of the Year’ Award at the 2021 Women in Finance UK Awards.

Be open to learning, listening and educating yourself

Part of being supportive to your LGBTQ+ colleagues, friends and loved ones means developing a true understanding of how the world views and treats them. To learn, you need to be willing and open to truly listen, be sincere and truly authentic. Listen to ‘their’ personal stories and ask questions respectfully. Take it upon yourself to learn about LGBTQ+ history, terminology, and the struggles that the community still faces today.

Don’t assume

Don't assume that all of your colleagues, friends are straight. Don't assume someone's gender or pronouns. LGBTQ+ people don't look a particular way and someone's current or previous partner(s) doesn't define their sexuality.

Think of ‘ally’ as an action rather than a label

To be an effective ally you need to be willing to be consistent in your support of LGBTQ+ rights and defend LGBTQ+ people against discrimination. Anti-LGBTQ+ comments and jokes are harmful - let your colleagues, friends, and family know that as an ally you find them offensive. All members of society are needed to make true acceptance and respect happen and your open and consistent support will hopefully lead as an example to others #leadbyexample.

Know you’ll mess up sometimes breathe, apologise and ask for guidance

Having a conversation about someone who is trans or non-binary, and unintentionally used the wrong pronoun? It happens - don’t panic, apologise, and correct yourself with something along the lines of: "I’m sorry, that wasn’t the word I meant to use. I’m trying to be a better ally and learn the right terminology, but I’m still working on it. If you hear me misuse something, I’d really appreciate it if you could let me know." Likely, the person you are talking to will know that this process of unlearning is new to you and will appreciate your honesty and effort!

Confront your own prejudices and unconscious bias

Being an ally means you will often find that you need to challenge any bias, stereotypes, and assumptions you didn't realise you had. Think about the jokes you make, the pronouns you use - LGBTQ+ prejudices can be subtle, and transphobia and biphobia exist even within the LGBTQ+ community. Being a better ally means being open to the idea of being wrong sometimes and being willing to work on it.