How to Support Your Child Coming Out as Non-binary: Advice From a Parent That’s Been There
By Liz Avery, Internal Communication and Change Management at WTW
I have two children. At the beginning of
2020, I would have told you that both those children were girls – I was wrong.
Toward the end of 2020, my 12-year-old told me that they identified as
non-binary (i.e., that they were neither a boy nor a girl), and that’s where
the adventure began.
A new name, new pronouns, and the trepidation of parenting a non-binary child through all the female body change they would experience in adolescence. It felt pretty big.
A couple of years into it, I’ve had time to get my bearings and get to a place where I may even be able to impart some wisdom. The tips below are not rocket science, but they are true to my experience raising my amazing rock star of a non-binary kid. Perhaps you will find here a couple of helpful nuggets:
2. Encourage conversation (but don’t push).
Your child has given you some big news! Keep the conversation going. Encourage
them to talk and share more about what this announcement means to them and how you can be their best ally. That said, the coming out
process can feel like a lot to a young human, and maybe they’ve used up their
emotional reserves just telling you. Don’t push them to talk more than they want
to, but make sure they know you are always there when they’re ready.
3. Listen more than you talk. Your child will
be going through experiences that you likely have not had. Listen and learn.
Make sure your child and their unique experiences are being seen and heard.
4. Ask (respectful) questions. Questions are
totally ok! This is new, and you are not expected to know everything. Of
course, when it comes to sexual orientation and gender identity, we’re dealing
with some very personal topics, and a level of tact is essential. This is not
the time to press for information because your child might not actually have
figured out the answers to some of your questions yet, and they may feel quite
vulnerable about that.
5. Educate yourself. Don’t rely on your child
to fill the gaps in your education on sexual orientation or gender identity
topics. Do your own research. Your engagement in learning more on your own will not only help you get informed, but it will demonstrate to your child that you are invested in supporting them.
6. Share your pronouns. Regardless of the
pronouns your child uses, get in the habit of sharing your own pronouns with
others when you introduce yourself. It will give those you meet the opportunity
to share their pronouns, and it will demonstrate to your child your respect for
and interest in learning how other people identify themselves.
7. Connect with other parents. Learning
something new about your child can feel overwhelming, especially if you are
trying to work through it on your own. You don’t have to. There are absolutely
other parents out there who are in the same place you are. Look for groups
within your community or workplace. Even though you fully accept your child for
who they are, a little support from fellow parents can go a long way in helping
you on those days when you feel like you’re just not getting it right.
8. Be kind to yourself. You love your child; you support them…AND sometimes, you are going to mess things up. How many times have I used the wrong pronouns with my child? How long did it take me to finally get comfortable saying their new name? We’re parents. We get things wrong. Please don’t beat yourself up over it. Just regroup and try. This last one isn’t as much a tip as it is a potentially helpful observation.
9. Things aren’t changing as much as they may initially seem. Depending on how old your child is when they come out, there is still a lot they could need you to teach them about life as they get older. Love is love, and relationships can be complicated, no matter what they look like. Intimacy is intimacy, and entering into an intimate relationship is a big deal, no matter whom your child chooses as a partner. As parents, we have a critical role to play in the emotional development of our children, and that doesn’t change with how they see themselves or whom they choose to love. I hope some of this has been helpful!
WTW both welcomes and empowers colleagues to be fully themselves through
the company’s intentional approach to inclusion. WTW clearly understands the
value of perspective from a variety of voices – the efforts of a mature and
dynamic team of diversity, equity and inclusion colleagues, has created a
culture where it would never even occur to me to show up as anyone other than
who I truly am. I have never felt the need to represent my family or my
children as anything other than amazing human beings they are. – Liz Avery
