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“I Remember When I Came to the Realisation That I Might Be Gay, the Feeling of Fear of How My Family Would Take It Was Overwhelming”: Rachael Ng on Learning to Accept Herself

By Rachael Ng, Transmission Resource Coordinator at DAZN

 

My name is Rachael, I’m an enthusiastic baker and slightly obsessed sourdough lover. I think I’m known for my focaccias as I test most of my focaccias at work and it keeps my colleagues happy.

 

I work at DAZN as a Transmission Resource Coordinator. I’ve been at DAZN for nearly four years now, and as most guessed from when they first met me by the way I dress and my shining aura, I’m gay. Most of the time I don’t really have to come out, but when I do, the reaction has always been positive. I feel really lucky that I have never had any issues with my sexuality at any of the workplaces I’ve worked at. My colleagues joke that we coordinate our outfits as we wear similar clothing. I just tell them that it’s the new uniform for the department, or that they copied me as I have great taste.

 

Jokes aside, safety is always important at a workplace, and I’ve always felt safe at DAZN. Since I’ve been here, there has been little to no microaggression, and when that occurs, it gets dealt with accordingly. As we are a sports broadcasting company, LGBTQ+ issues aren’t really a topic - especially when it comes to sports. I work in transmission so I deal with sports and understand how events should be broadcast, but sports talk depends on what event is on. I know some sportsmen/women who are gay/lesbian and I do talk about them freely when it’s relevant to the conversation. I have wondered outside of transmission, if it makes a difference to anyone, if they feel excluded from the conversation or don’t feel like they can have an input.

 

As a company, I want to help push us to do even better when it comes to LGBTQ+ inclusion, as there is always room for improvement. During June - Pride month - there is more awareness with chats, posts, and changing our signature to a rainbow one. Other than that, throughout the year it can be limited. I recently joined the Employee Resource Group (ERG) Proud Group - an LGBTQ+ group within the company. I heard that there was a group like this a while ago, but it was mentioned once or twice a few months ago in Pep Talk (mental health and wellbeing group) meeting that I only recently remembered it existed. It has been quiet for a while and there wasn’t a lot of information or awareness of groups like Proud. I think with regular meetings and chats, they’ll be able to make some noise and have themselves heard.



 

Growing up I was never girly, and I was called a tomboy from a young age by everyone, but I never thought much of it. I played superheroes a lot as a kid, usually the male superheroes/characters as I always wanted to save the girl and for them to “fall in love with me”. As I come from a Chinese background, LGBTQ+ topics were never discussed among my family or friends, I was never aware of the fact that girls can love girls. I didn’t realise that I was gay until I was 17 when I was at college. I didn’t talk to anyone, but I googled a lot to try to understand what the Chinese culture was like with LGBTQ+ issues, and I took a lot of online quizzes and tests to see what I am. Thinking back now, I don’t think I had a full understanding of my feelings as I thought I was bi as I started dating a guy, but that didn’t last long. I carried this “secret” that I was bi until I university when I came out at 21. When I did, it really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and my group of friends accepted it straight away. One of my friends was in the same boat but she didn’t worry about it as much as I did. I remember her telling me that she didn’t stick a label on it, and whatever happens, happens and you are still who you are. That’s something that stuck with me as a few months later after coming out to my friends, it turned out that I’m only interested in women.

 

The main challenge I have faced with my identity is within my culture. As I mentioned, I come from a Chinese background, and LGBTQ+ topics are very hush-hush. I remember when I came to the realisation that I might be gay, the feeling of fear of how my family would take it was overwhelming. So many thoughts darted around in my head, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t talk to anyone. When I googled being gay as a Chinese, there wasn’t much information back then, but the stories were mixed. When I finally told my parents, their reactions weren't positive nor was it supportive. I really struggled with that, and to be honest, I still do. Because of the Chinese culture, my parents are ashamed of me.

 

Over the years I have learnt to accept, love and be comfortable with myself regardless of my culture. Being gay in an oriental culture still isn’t easy, but it is getting better. Taiwan is leading the way with being the first country to legalise same-sex marriage!

 

I think it is important to accept yourself first as this has helped me stand my ground and slowly open up and talk more about my partner, or LGBTQ+ topics to my parents. The conversation does get uncomfortable and gets shut down quickly, but since I came out, it has gotten a little bit better. I can tell they are still ashamed as they don’t want any of our extended family or friends to know. I am grateful that I have full support from my sister and cousins, it really gives me more confidence. Like everything, you need to give it time, be patient, but also you need to talk about it more to make it common and to “normalise” being gay in Chinese culture.

 

I think for anyone who is trying to be an ally, I would just tell them to ask. Don’t be afraid to ask if you don’t understand/know something and listen with an open mind. Take the time to learn or even listen to the person on what they have to say. We don’t expect you to be an expert or change the world in one day, but just being there for the person can make a big difference. This is a good first step to being an ally. An ally should also try to challenge the people on what they say. Stand up for what is right, even if you are scared or feel awkward about it. And do it because you mean it, not to look good or expect a reward.

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