LGBTQ+ Families: My Surrogacy Journey

Stephen Van Lyon, Head of Finance at ResMed, shared with myGwork his surrogacy journey, how he always knew he wanted a family and what he has learned along the way. 

Hi Stephan! Thanks for chatting with us. Can you share a bit about yourself?

My name is Stephen Van Lyon, and my role at ResMed is Head of Finance for our Sleep & Respiratory Care business unit. In this capacity, I partner with the business leaders to plan, report, analyze, and advise on all things finance (including prioritizing investments, financial governance, budgeting/forecasting, and the financial implications of our strategy). I’m a CPA in California and have been in the business and finance realm for about 20 years.

So, did you always know you wanted to be a parent?

My husband and I met when we were 19 and we knew pretty early on that we wanted a family. We knew having kids “the traditional way” was off the table, so in our early 20s started exploring other options, including fostering, adoption, and surrogacy. We determined our preference was to have some genetic ties to our child/children, so we started with IVF and surrogacy. We live in California (which is a great state for fertility) but found the local options cost prohibitive so our first foray into the world of IVF was actually international—we flew to the Czech Republic with our surrogate (a dear friend of ours) and came home pregnant a few weeks later. We were so excited as it had worked exactly as we hoped. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, we miscarried. This was devastating, and we were clearly unprepared for the reality we were facing. After allowing time to grieve and then re-saving up the money to try again, over the next two years, we tried two additional times in that same clinic. We miscarried once more and didn’t get pregnant on the third attempt. In 2011, we decided we had one more attempt in us, but this time we needed to do it locally (our surrogate couldn’t be away from her family and work), so we paid the premium to go to an IVF clinic near our house. Again we got pregnant, but this time, we stayed pregnant. Over the next 9 months, we prepared for the life-changing experience that was ahead of us. And in May of 2012, our sweet little Westley was born. She’s been perfect since day 1, and at nearly 11 years old, she continues to be the joy of each and every day. And while one of the most expensive decisions we’ve ever made, we wouldn’t change a single thing.

Stephen and his family

What advice would you give to an LGBTQ+ first-time parent?

Honestly, if you want to be a parent, be prepared to fight for it. Persevere through setbacks and keep your focus on the outcome and not the inputs/effort. Also, trust the timing. Things don’t always work when you expect them to… they work when they’re supposed to.

What advice would you give to a parent whose child has come out as LGBTQ+?

The way you show love to your kid can alter the trajectory of their life. As a gay parent whose parents don’t accept me or my family, I’ve struggled to comprehend love and acceptance from my mom and dad. They say things like “We love you” but then refuse to be in the same room as me and my family. I battled depression and rejection from the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally, and despite their words and convictions, I’ve not felt “love” from them in decades. I’ve learned to live without them. I’ve learned to discount their impact on me. AND I’ve learned how to be a better parent to Westley. She knows my love is unconditional and real, not because I tell her, but because I show her. The words aren’t enough. And honestly, if not supported with actual action (love is a verb!), then it’s useless. So be conscious of your words, but more conscious of your actions. I can promise you, your child is paying attention, and their psychological, mental, and social well-being is predicated on how you treat them.

What are some of the unexpected challenges you’ve had as a parent?

Probably the biggest challenge was just dealing with others. I remember the first week of kindergarten at our neighborhood school…. A little 5-year-old boy walks up and says, “Westley said she has two dads. Is that true?”. Instantly, we take a deep breath, ready to receive the onslaught of some ignorant kid. “Yes, she has two dads.” His response…. “LUCKY! I wish I had two dads!” We laughed, shrugged it off, and walked home. We know not every family “approves of our lifestyle,” but we also know that our daughter is loved and supported at all times. She knows where she came from, how much we fought for her, and how much we are there for her. And she knows that other people’s opinions and approval don’t actually matter.

What advice would you give to people in the workplace who want to be allies to LGBTQ+ parents in their organization?

Just know that there is not one way to be a parent. Not every kid has a mom and a dad. Not every parent became a parent in the “traditional way.” And because everyone’s experience is different, be gracious, patient, and willing to listen to others. Check your assumptions and be willing to learn about others’ experiences. I’ve met many straight couples who have had similar IVF experiences to ours… and we share in the sadness of miscarriage and the joy of birth. And no one experience is better than another. And parenthood is hard. So be kind to each other!

What is the biggest lesson you have learned on your parenting journey?

Be patient and trust the timing. I look back and see how different our lives would be if we had gotten pregnant on the first attempt. Over the several years we were struggling through the emotional roller coaster of IVF, we also grew more financially stable and finished things like grad school that put us in a position to be able to afford parenthood on one salary and were more equipped to prioritize our family.