My Life as an LGBTQ+ Parent: “The Journey Hasn’t Always Been Smooth, but There Have Been More Ups Than There Have Been Downs”
By Natalie Griffiths, Management Consultant at Capgemini
My son has just turned 11 and I could not be happier. I am lucky that he is a healthy and happy young boy. Looking back, from getting pregnant through to where we are today as a separated family, the journey hasn’t always been smooth, but there have been more ups than there have been downs. Here are some key moments that I wanted to share.
Getting pregnant
I have always wanted to be a parent and felt strongly that this should not be a barrier because I was in a same-sex relationship. On many fronts, it really wasn’t a barrier but then I had saved the funds required to have private fertility treatment (given using the NHS was not an option), and I also didn’t face any discrimination at my workplace due to policies or procedures. That was largely however due to the fact that I didn’t tell my employer of my plans at the time; didn’t request time off for treatment; had no access to appropriate policies telling me what I was entitled to as support.
I’m pleased to say that at least with my current employer there is a much better support mechanism in place and a specific Policy outlining a process - “Supporting Colleagues through IVF Treatment”. It is a policy open to everyone the only direction being that you are undergoing fertility treatment – not that you are in a same-sex partnership. I wish I had had access to something similar 12 years ago – it would have alleviated the stress of trying to attend appointments and to also manage the emotional aspect of undergoing treatment / failing and or then being successful. Sadly, the NHS has some catching up to do when it comes to managing.
Regarding the NHS as an option for fertility treatment – there appears to have been some progress in the last 12 years since I underwent IVF – but it has taken high court cases for some same-sex partners to secure treatment from their local authority. It is not widespread and still very challenging for the majority of same-sex couples if they are unable to secure funding themselves for private treatment.
Bringing up baby
There was plenty of “unconscious bias” from the midwife to the nursery and then to the first days at school. No one had meant to cause offence by asking about “your husband”, or the making of pictures/cards for “fathers-day” whilst forgetting it might have been nice to have had two Mother’s Day pictures/cards. Or for the use of various administration forms that still referenced father rather than a partner. Did I challenge any of these issues? When I felt it was worth making the point, yes, I did – especially if I suspected there was underlying discrimination.
Again, I am pleased to say as the years have passed, much of these issues have become less and less. Forms have been updated and terminology is less archaic! The most significant challenge in the last few years as an LGBTQ+ parent however has been to monitor how the school incorporates LGBTQ+ into its overall approach and curriculum. The government's guidance is that “In teaching Relationships Education and RSE, schools should ensure that the needs of all pupils are appropriately met and that all pupils understand the importance of equality and respect. Schools must ensure that they comply with the relevant provisions of the Equality Act 2010 and The Equality Act 2010: advice for schools, under which sexual orientation and gender reassignment are amongst the protected characteristics.” My son’s school have done an amazing job with this, but again it’s not universal. There are some schools that face severe criticism from some parents that do not want LGBT content to be fully integrated into their programmes of study.
Aside from the school, there’s my son who is developing his own viewpoint and has some interesting questions for myself and his other mummy! Our approach has always been to be honest. From an early age, we spoke about how he came into the world. There are some fantastic books to help guide these conversations – I am so grateful for these!
Support at work
How else have I survived the first 11years of my son’s life? The work environment is so important. I honestly feel the most settled and supported than I have ever felt with my current employer in relation to being an LGBTQ+ parent. If there are instances when I need to navigate time off or changes to my diary, meetings with clients to fit around school runs etc then I am able to do this without shying away from the reason. It doesn’t matter that I am a gay parent – I am a parent first and foremost. That makes such a difference. Not just to me, but to my son too.
