The Journey to Parenthood Can Be an Emotional Rollercoaster

myGwork meets Ellie Murauer, Innovation Director for Intimate Wellness Brands, and Global Lead of LGBTQ+ at Reckitt, and she shares her experience as a gay parent, her advice to other parents and explains how the workplace can be more inclusive to LGBTQ+ parents.  

Hello Ellie! Thanks for chatting with us. Can you tell us a bit about yourself?

My name is Eleonore (Ellie) Murauer, my pronouns are she/her, and I am working as Innovation Director for our Intimate Wellness brands at Reckitt. I am also the global lead of our LGBTQ+@Reckitt Employee Resource Group.

I identify as a gay/queer woman, and with my wife, Jen, we have two daughters: Josephine, who is nearly 2.5 years old and Alice, who is 9 months old.

Could you tell us about your parenting journey?

Once Jen and I were in a serious, committed relationship, we discussed that, at some point, we wanted to have children. As gay women living in the UK, we were lucky that we had several options to consider: adoption, fostering, IVF or IUI. The option we felt would suit us best, and we went for was intra-partner IVF with an anonymous donor. After we got engaged in the summer of 2018, things got more concrete: we went to a few open days and realised things are much easier from a legal perspective if we were married. So, we tied the knot in a very small and intimate ceremony in November 2018 and started on our journey shortly after. My wife went first using my embryo, and everything was surprisingly smooth sailing until we got bad news 8 weeks into the pregnancy. We took a deep breath, decided to freeze my wife’s embryo for my round and take some time out from the clinic and the appointments to enjoy quality time together. In February 2020, my wife said she was ready and keen to try again. We found out that she was pregnant a couple of days before we went into to first COVID lockdown. Our daughter Josephine was born in November that year. As we always wanted more than one child and thought it would be nice for the kids to have a smaller age gap, I took the plunge and we welcomed baby Alice to our little family in May 2022.  

What advice would you give to an LGBTQ+ first-time parent? 

“You do you”. Thankfully we live in a country where there are lots of options for LGBTQ+ people to become parents, so take your time and choose the route that suits you best. The journey to parenthood can be an emotional rollercoaster, so it is important to look after yourself and your well-being.

What advice would you give to a parent whose child has come out as LGBTQ+? 

Personally, I did not find it easy to come out, and the hardest come out I had to do was to myself.

I think the best way parents can support their children on the journey is by giving them the time and space (physically and emotionally) to figure stuff out while ensuring that they always know they are unconditionally loved and supported.  

Have you had any difficulties in the workplace as an LGBTQ+ parent? 

At the time we started our parenting journey, Reckitt did not have all the great and more inclusive policies we have today in place. For example, our ERGs were still in their infancy. In that context, I was very blessed to have a great ally as a manager. I felt comfortable discussing our family plans with him, and he had my back when I had to go to clinic appointments and when things were tough emotionally. Without him, my experience might have been very different, and this is why it is so important to have the right policies and the right culture in place to ensure everyone can have a positive experience. I am pleased that we are moving in that direction now at Reckitt both in the Uk and globally.

What workplace policies are important to you? 

For me, there are three policies that are absolutely critical:

1. Parental leave policy: I had the chance to experience it from both sides, and I cannot emphasise enough the importance. Having those precious moments with the little one after birth is priceless. Ensuring that the policy is inclusive in language and encompasses adoption as well is absolutely critical to enable LGBTQ+ parents to flourish.
2. IVF support: Having gone through IVF, I know how time intensive and emotionally draining the journey can be. Having a clear supportive policy and financial support lessens the burden on the employee and will make them feel valued by the company. I would ideally wish that the scope here is extended to adoption and other fertility treatments as they may face similar challenges.
3. Mobility policy: Unfortunately, LGBTQ+ employees and especially LGBTQ+ employees with families, are less mobile because there are still countries in the world where we are not accepted. Having a policy that ensures that restricted mobility will not be a career breaker and that the company will provide special assistance to LGBTQ+ families who relocate for the company is critical.

7. What tips would you give to an organization to make sure their workplace environment is supportive for LGBTQ+ parents? 

The biggest piece of advice I can give to an organization is to listen to the lived experiences of their employees. For that creates a culture of trust where Inclusion is celebrated, listen to your ERGs and follow up with policies and processes.

Tell us about the joys of your parenting journey? 

When I first came out, I thought that I would need to choose between being able to be a parent or being who I am. Being an LGBTQ+ parent today, it is wonderful to see that I did not have to choose and that, hopefully, my daughters will grow up and shape a world that is more equitable, diverse and tolerant.

What are some of the unexpected challenges you’ve had as a parent? 

The most unexpected challenge has been to realise how heteronormative our world still is and how early this heteronormativity is instilled in our kids. Despite us living in a very liberal area and our girls’ nursery being absolutely brilliant (they have books about same-sex parents they read with the kids etc…), having a “mummy” and “daddy” is still the default family model that our two-year-old started referring to.

What advice would you give to people in the workplace who want to be allies to LGBTQ+ parents in their organization?

Be curious, listen, use inclusive language and challenge any assumptions about gender roles. Even in same-sex relationships, it sometimes feels that we get attributed the traditional roles of “mum” and “dad”. What I love about my LGBTQ+ family is that, for us, those roles do not exist. My wife and I are mothers to our daughters in the same way and with the same responsibilities and expectations.

What is the biggest lesson you have learnt on your parenting journey?

My parenting journey has taught me to focus on what I can control, influence and is important to me to let go of the rest. This has made me happier, sharper and more resilient- professionally and personally.