Coming Out as LGBTQ+ Later in Life

Interviews

Charese Clarke, Senior Strategy Manager at Lloyds Banking Group, spoke to myGwork about her experience realising her LGBTQ+ identity later in life. She also discusses her childrens' reactions to her coming out and the ethos of inclusivity at Lloyds Banking Group.

Please can you tell us a bit about yourself and how you identify?

I identify as a gay woman. I now recognise that I have always been gay but due to the cultural environment I grew up in, it took me a long time to realise so I only came out age 37 after my heterosexual marriage ended. I have 3 son’s from my marriage who are aged 12, 10 and 8.

How was it telling your children about your sexuality and how was their response?

I actually found it much harder to tell adult family members as they have more pre-conceived ideas about what it meant to be gay and how I could be in a position where I only realised later in life. It was a true demonstration of the changing times that initially my children had no opinion on my sexuality, they just wanted love and reassurance following my separation from their Dad. My oldest son has autism and by nature of this, he is very black and white about life. He doesn’t perceive social prejudices, to him I am simply in love with another person. My youngest son was only 5 when I came out and has never been negatively affected, he loves having 2 female figures in his life. My middle son has faced the most challenges. He has endured comments at school about his mum being gay which has left him reticent to have friends to our house or to be open with his peers. Of course this is painful to see but I maintain hope that by standing proud of who I am it will show him that he has every right to walk his own path in life too.

How was growing up part of the LGBTQ+ community for you?

Unfortunately, I never had this experience. I grew up in a small seaside town and there were just 2 openly gay people at my school and life for them was very difficult. I was at secondary school from 1994 to 1999; we didn’t have the internet at home or school so even online forums didn’t exist to connect with others.

What challenges did you have with identifying the way you do in the time you were growing up?

I had no role models. I had no examples of people who were like me so because I couldn’t see it, I didn’t think it existed. While teenage boys spoke openly about their intimate lives, as teenage girls we were taught that it was disgusting to do so. With that in mind, it definitely felt like there was no scope at all to be open about my inner attraction to the same sex and explore it in a safe way by talking to others.

What support did you have as a member of the LGBTQ+ Community?

I didn’t become part of the community until I came out at 37. I can safely say though that 99.9% of people I have encountered have been extremely supportive and those who have known me the longest love to tell me how happy I now am. They tell me they have never seen my teeth so much!

What support do you wish you had as a member of the LGBTQ+ Community?

When I was young, had I felt able to understand who I was and be part of the community, I would have liked to have a safe space to talk to other young people about their experiences. An LGBTQ+ youth club in effect.

How is life now and how has that changed over the years?

Life now is simply wonderful. Megan and I live together and she is the most incredible 2nd mum to my sons. To get to this position I had to separate from an amazing man and that came with a couple of years of intense emotional turmoil and an awful lot of guilt. It was a really difficult journey and sometimes I reflect on the fact that it could have been avoided if only society listened more and judged less but equally, I wouldn’t have precious memories of 15 years with my ex-husband or my 3 lovely sons. I choose to focus on the positive and as a gay woman in 2023, I feel there is a huge amount to be positive about.

Have you ever experienced Homophobia, Biphobia or Transphobia?

I have lived in the shadow of these behaviours. My parents were both strongly homophobic, as was the school environment I grew up in. However since coming out, I have never been insulted or intimidated for my identity. There is a certain amount of sexualisation of lesbians in society so certainly I have to contend with men honking horns, making crude comments etc if my partner and I are mildly affectionate in public which becomes very tiresome but I can’t possibly compare those experiences to gay people who have been physically abused or worse so while the community still faces complex challenges to do this day, I do feel lucky overall.

Is there anything you still remain cautious of for our community?

I am a keen world traveller and there is no doubt that since coming out, my world might potentially have shrank. I have to be much more considered on which countries I visit and where I will be safe. As a feminine woman, I can take steps to hide who I really am to keep myself safe but I am cautious for those members of our community for whom that isn’t an option.

Can you tell us about how working at LBG as a member of the community has been for you?

It has been a really positive experience. LBG feels very inclusive to me and unlike when I was growing up, I see role models in all walks of the business. When I made the difficult decision to come out, my team were fabulous and were discreet with their surprise but very open with their support.

Why do you think it is important for LGBTQ+ people to have a network like Rainbow?

The importance of role models can never be overstated. No matter who you are and how you identify (Star Trek fan? Wheelchair user? Follower of Goth culture?) we all get benefit out of connecting with others who are/feel the same.

How do you think allies can support LGBTQ+ inclusion?

It is imperative that we see people from all walks of life supporting the rights of the LGBTQ+ community, not just those who identify within the community. When someone supports your rights even though they are not personally affected, that is an incredibly powerful, visible statement to others.

Is there anything else you would like to share?

Just a thank you for reading and if you are a person in my shoes, living a life that doesn’t feel true to your inner needs and desires, it is never too late to make a change. It really can be done.

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