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Is Domestic Abuse in the LGBT Community more common than we realise?

by Darren Peters

I speak from experience being someone who also, found themselves in the kind of relationship that slowly became something rather nasty and dark. There were many reasons why I never went to the police straight away but when I did there was a range of support services that got me through it. Due to living with my ex at the time, it meant that some days were lovely but equally, others were filled with anger, shame and embarrassment, pushing me closer towards isolation. At first, I hoped that things would calm down or smooth out, but it just got worse.

We recently marked the 50th anniversary of the decriminalisation for being a homosexual in the UK. Up until 1967 being gay was a criminal offence and/or looked upon as an illness that required clinical treatment. Even though it is easier to identify as L G B or T today, there is still some dark aspects of our community that any of us can fall victim to.

As most already know, our community still experiences and endures judgemental stereotypes and stigmatization. Even more unfortunate is the fight against Homophobic Hate-Crimes/Incidents which are on the rise. But what we do not hear much about is how common Domestic Abuse/Violence our community is, and what we can do if we find ourselves in this situation.

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviours characterised by the exercise of control by one person over another within the context of an intimate or a family relationship. Almost half (49%) of all gay men and bi men have experienced at least one incident of domestic abuse from a partner or family member. Lesbians experience a little less but it is also a problem amongst women who sleep with women.

Domestic Violence is when the abuse has become physically violent. In most cases, there is a build-up of abuse before the abusive and hurtful situation evolves into acts of violence. The abuse could be; psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual or financial. Unfortunately, there have been a lot of incidents that were not reported to the police probably due to certain misconceptions. You can still be a victim of domestic abuse if you are in a same sex relationship, and the police have LGBT liaison officers who will handle your case sensitively.

In most cases the abuse does not happen immediately, the person doing the abusing needs time to ensure you have been ‘hooked in’. This is when, the perpetrator seeks sympathy regarding a difficult situation that they are struggling with or have gone through but in reality, it’s just manipulation. As a therapist, I have learnt that forming any intimate relationship on the basis of feeling sorry for your partner is never a good start.

The abuse is subtle at first, due to the victim’s boundaries being tested, and a victim is usually a person who lacks appropriate boundaries – I certainly did. The abusers come across confident, and charming in social settings but you quickly discover they have more insecurities than most. These insecurities manifest in them being overly protective, becoming jealous very easily and they always want to be aware of where you are and who you are with.

The victims find themselves fearful one minute and embarrassed the next, which are all coercive tactics to isolate the victim and control them. Some LGBT individuals have another dimension that can create further vulnerability if they are not completely ‘out’ to friends/family/work, which is the threat to be ‘outed’. A very low move you would think, but this is another common tactic a victim could be at risk of. I was even more at a disadvantage because I am black and my ex was white. As a black gay man, the combination of the two-identities and the stigma attached to them both was very difficult to deal with.

After about a year and a half, the emotional and psychological abuse turned into physical abuse. It was from this moment I knew it was a very toxic situation but I felt trapped. We had broken up many times but he managed to get me to take him back on several occasions because he would make me feel sorry for him again – I was still ‘hooked in’.

If an individual feels shame with their identity, perhaps this shame and embarrassment is a possible factor as to why Domestic Violence/Abuse is so under reported in our community. To be fair, until the behaviours become more extreme and consistent, it’s difficult to realise you are being abused because the abuse would be followed up by a meal for two in a nice restaurant or great sex. The behaviours are very sporadic, unpredictable and swing from one extreme to the other, all on top of the mental mind games which only confuse the person even more so.

The silver lining for me from this dark phase in my life was what I gained from the experience. In hindsight, I realised that it was this abusive relationship which helped me make the decision to become a psychotherapist. This changed everything because I learnt the importance of boundaries and what I deem to be acceptable behaviour towards me, and what’s not. Sometimes we just don’t know how we would deal with a situation until we are faced with it. This is probably the main reason why I chose to share my personal story; it just may help someone going through something similar.

When I look back, I realise that the thing that got me through such a horrendous relationship whilst battling with the cultural difficulties of being black and gay was my spirituality. I found that whilst going through such chaos and turmoil I was able to hold onto an inner strength which got me through and I never compromised on my values. Just because he felt the need to constantly check my phone, this did not make me start checking his because I respect other people’s boundaries. One of the reasons I studied Transpersonal Psychotherapy, was to be able to assist others who also want to find that inner resolve and strength to get them through whatever situation life may throw at them. Psychotherapy is not just about speaking to someone when you are low, depressed, bereaved or anxious. We are here to assist the person in discovering who they are, and we are all more than just our sexuality or ethnicity.

I had a therapist whist I was in that abusive situation, and if I wasn’t, I believe I could have found myself staying in that situation for a much longer time. I understand how difficult it is to first come to terms with the abuse that’s happening, and then walk away from such a manipulative and controlling personality/partner.

If from reading this article you feel you are in such a situation and feel ready to talk to someone about it get in touch via linked in or email me at [email protected].

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