Meet & Greet: Raga D’silva – author, public speaker & CEO of Outspoken Speakers Network

In this week’s Meet & Greet interview, myGwork member Raga D’silva shares insights into her work as an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community in both India and the UK, as well as her personal story.

myGwork: Can you tell us a bit about yourself and your current work in the LGBTQ+ space in both the UK and India?

Raga: I am a middle-aged highly successful gay Indian woman, woman of color, mother of twins, legally married to my same-sex partner of sixteen years, and decided to finally shed my fear at 50, and ‘came out’ publicly through my book, Untold Lies in 2019. I am an entrepreneur, public speaker, writer and host of several shows – both online and live in-person. More importantly, I am an LGBTQ+ advocate and activist.

I was born and raised in India in a very traditional catholic family. I lived in New Zealand for several years before moving to London. After working in advertising agencies in India and New Zealand for two decades, I set up my own consulting agency to support international businesses with their market entry into India. Later in 2008, I also set up India’s first speakers bureau, Speaking Minds.

I have dedicated my life to advocate for our rights in the LGBT+ community and was one of the petitioners for same-sex/gender marriage equality rights in India. Along with my partner, we have created and produced several positive LGBTQ+ content on various platforms – including ‘coming out stories from India’, Today with Totally Out Now that discussed marriage equality hearings at the Supreme Court in India with several petitioners and influencers from the community in India. My personal coming out journey has been featured across various media channels internationally including BBC India in 2022 in several Indian regional languages. My story has also been featured on BBC One morning show recently and several other media outlets. I publish opinion pieces in several publications on LGBTQ+ related issues, including Diva Magazine. I set up the UK’s first women (and non-binary) speakers bureau OUTspoken Speakers in September 2023, which has provided a plafform to several queer women and those non-binary, to share their subject matter expertise as well as their lived in experiences. This agency also focuses on bringing difficult conversations from our community to organizations through panel discussion on topics such as domestic abuse, menopause and its impact, queer families, etc. My YouTube channel works on amplifying voices in the LGBTQ+ community and over time, we will launch another vertical to include voices from London and around the world. I am also on several DEI Boards in India, including Aristocrat Technologies India & Sony Pictures India as well as a Trustee on the Board of one of India’s largest charities – Child Rights & You (CRY UK). I have recently joined PBNF (Pride Business Network Foundation) India on their Advisory Board. This is a transgender-led organisation focused on empowering the transgender/hijra community in India through economic inclusion programs.

myGwork: You came out publicly through your book, Untold Lies, in 2019, at the age of 50. Can you share your coming out story and the challenges you have had to overcome, especially as an LGBTQ+ Catholic, South Asian woman?

Raga: Growing up in India, I had crushes on girls and one particular female teacher, but I hid it thinking that was wrong and unusual, as most of my friends had crushes with boys. I went to a convent school in India, which has both catholics and non-catholics, and was very strict.

In the 1980s there was absolutely no understanding of the LGBTQ+ community in India. In fact, the words lesbian or gay did not even exist. We knew of ‘homos’ and they were boys/men who were effeminate and treated with ridicule. The Bollywood films, which was our key entertainment also used gay caricatures and mocked them. This meant that deep inside I became homophobic towards myself and fearful, so I never disclosed this part of me to anyone and ran away from it.

So, basically, there was no room for me to ‘come out’ even to myself. So, I lived a heteronormative life in a heteronormative society, predominantly wrapped with social conditioning and what we say, ‘log kya kahengay’ in hindi, translated to, ‘what will people say’. Firstly, the word ‘sexual orientation’ did not exist in my growing up days, or even until 20 years ago. All I knew was that I was deeply attracted to women but, I did not know it was normal to feel that way.

I had an intense emotional relationship with a woman in my early twenties in India. But, neither of us knew that we could have any future together. That was not even discussed, and therefore eventually when I married a man, that romance just faded.

It wasn’t until I was “outed” by my mother after I was married and had children, did I even seriously consider exploring this part of me. Even after that, it took me years to deal with my own internal homophobia, clear my own confusion and then eventually accept my sexual orientation. My current partner and I have been together 16 years, but even during the initial period with her, I was unsure about wanting to lead this life and so without questioning anything, I would say things like, ‘It’s not about being gay. I am in love with a woman at this moment, and that’s all that matters”. I believe this gave me the comfort of not being committed to my sexual orientation.

myGwork: Can you share some of the challenges you faced being an LGBTQ+ South Asian mother and the painful backlash you faced from your family/community?

Raga: As you can see from my first TEDx talk, 50&OUT, I lived and worked in Wellington, New Zealand from 2001 for a decade. I was ‘outed’ there and started dating women there. Apart from the severe vitriol and abuse I faced from my own Indian community there, I also made extremely poor personal choices.

My first proper relationship with a woman was an extremely traumatic and abusive one. I got involved with an alcoholic who would use any opportunity to put me down and beat me up physically, and I would be threatened to be ‘outed’ at my workplace and to my extended family in India. To those who do not understand this, please know when you are going through a journey of confusion of your own sexual orientation, you are at your most vulnerable. I felt scared and vulnerable all the time and had to work hard to protect my children from my own dysfunctions and also from a highly abusive, overtly dysfunctional woman. It took me years to get out of that relationship and when it ended, I think it was the biggest victory of my life.

myGwork: You mentioned before that the father of your children, is actually one of your biggest allies and remains one of your best friends. Can you tell us more about this and what this means to you?

Raga: It took us years to work on our own relationship as ‘ex-s’. He wasn’t of course happy that we had separated and then that I had started dating women. He saw me going through a very dysfunctional phase, getting involved with an alcoholic and abusive woman. We were both aware that our responsibility was towards our children and I had them full time after going through a few months living separately.

Over time, when I got involved with my current partner (now 16 years together), he noticed that we were good together, our children were settled and happy, and he made an effort to be a part of our lives. We all made an effort. My partner also made a huge amount of effort to include him in our lives.

He now encourages me to follow my authentic life – and is always the first person to stand by me through all my ups and downs. He celebrates me as a woman, a mother, as a gay woman and as his best friend. I celebrate our love and respect for each other. We are like our twins, soul mates who had to go through this together to come out stronger. Our relationship is much deeper and beyond that of what we had when we were married.

myGwork: You have dedicated much of your life as an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community, and more recently fighting for same sex rights in India. Can you tell us more about this? For example, what are some of the main challenges that the LGBTQ+ community faces in India?

Raga: Section 377 of the Indian Penal code, criminalizing homosexuality was overturned in India only in September 2019. Those in hiding came out, slowly and started voicing their pain, abuse, humiliation and started fighting for rights. Corporate India also started slowly creating discussions and policies to include our rights and to sensitize the organisation on the community. Allies came out in support. Groups were set up by parents supporting their children who had ‘come out’. Yet, most of India still remains homophobic and transphobic.

Sadly, the marriage equality petition in the Supreme Court was not successful, as we expected. We are awaiting next steps and realize that we need to consult with broader communities to decide our strategic plan to ensure that we do see progress soon. Currently, this looks very unlikely. We have huge challenges ahead in India. Marriage is regarded as a very important part of the social fabric. The opposition voiced their disagreement and hate openly and put out a statement saying that same sex marriages will destroy this social fabric, it will create havoc in society and that it is against our Indian culture. It also stated that marriage was a union between a biological man and a biological woman. Through this you can imagine the complexities and challenges that this brings to argue our points with the courts. I was on several national television channels as part of a panels discussing and debating our side, and have had to face several humiliating moments with the opposition calling us ‘filth’ and ‘abnormal’. There is constant fight to create space in a ‘normal’ heteronormative society in a very traditional patriarchal structure and to be accepted for who we are.

myGwork: Your work is featured on many platforms, and your story is being made into a feature film. Can you share more details about this?

Raga: The great part of this is that a story I wrote during lockdown, loosely based on my life is being made into a film. The difficult part of it is that the filmmaker is struggling to find financiers as it is seen as an LGBTQ+ film and no mainstream cinema will buy the rights. We are still fighting that battle. Maybe I will produce it myself – and take the plunge as I have done with many other aspects of my life.

After all, we have all lived and influenced by Gandhiji’s words: ‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’

myGwork: You’ve had a long and exciting international career working in the international marketing in the entertainment space. Can you share your career history with us, and how you have ended up creating/producing various shows in the LGBTQ+ space in both India and the UK?

Raga: As a media, events, and entertainment industry specialist for over thirty years, I have worked in many countries including India, the Middle East, Southeast Asia as well as New Zealand and the UK and utilize my skills, networks, resources and knowledge for my advocacy work in the LGBTQ+ community.

I worked in India in the advertising for 10 years in some of India’s largest agencies. I was only 28 years old, when I was made the Branch Head and VP of a large agency. I moved to New Zealand in 2001 and had to re-start my life, which was not easy. However, I made my way back up very quickly – but worked across fundraising, sponsorship, marketing and finally back in to advertising.

The homophobia that I faced finally made me set up my own business – as I set up a consulting company, which in its first year was shortlisted as the best new business. I was elected as the Deputy Chair of the New Zealand Business Council in 2004, which was the first ever position held by a woman. I also set up a speakers bureau in 2007 in New Zealand, which later moved to India and we grew.

As shared earlier, since my public coming out in late 2019, I have now dedicated my life to the LGBTQ+ community and I do everything possible to use my resources, knowledge, expertise to amplify our voices, do advocacy work and fight for our rights.

myGwork: You have also become a vocal speaker in this space, and recently set up the UK’s first women (and non-binary) only speakers bureau agency. Can you share more about this?

Raga: Look at the statistics – we women have to fight for our space. I have run speaker agencies for enough years to see the fee disparity even in this space. I have observed and encountered multiple experiences when women are pushed away from a particular project to make space for a man, or for younger heterosexual person. Inviting men to speak at events as experts, is on auto pilot. The organizations always seem to want men as speakers – it’s their default expectation.

I want to change this mindset. In my own way, I have created space for LGBTQ+ women and non-binary speakers – focusing on talent and expertise. When it comes to women, organizations are also very ageist. They focus on our lived experiences rather than our expertise. I also want to make older speakers visible and create opportunities to share expertise, knowledge and skills acquired over years of work. Whilst our agency does focus on queer women, we are extending it to all women, so that organizations invite us for our expertise, not just our sexual orientation. I am a strong speaker myself – and it is not just my story that I speak about. Often people forget that I am more than my sexual orientation. I am a highly successful entrepreneur having worked and operated my businesses in several countries. I have expertise in personal brand building that has helped me build ‘speaker’ brands. My speakers are highly successful and have worked around the world. I am most proud of building such ‘personal brands’. I speak about biases, entrepreneurship, diversity and intersectionality. I talk about doing business in India, which is one of my highly sought after talks.

myGwork: Finally, you have won many accolades for your work in this space, and have currently been nominated for the National Diversity Awards

Raga: Along the way, I have won numerous awards for my work as an entrepreneur and for my work in the LGBTQ+ community, including two ‘Woman of Courage’ at the UK Houses of Parliament. I was shortlisted last year, in 2022 for the Woman of the Year award by Asian Achievers awards.

I am a two times TEDx speaker (50&OUT), screenplay writer, Host and Editor of ‘Today with Totally Out now’, Producer and Host of ‘Coming Out Stories from India’. I am often invited to speak and host shows.

I was pleasantly surprised and somewhat shocked to have been nominated in three categories by a few people for the National Diversity Awards. I used to shy away from awards – even the ones in my professional capacity. But, I have realized that awards and accolades are important – not from a personal achievement point of view, but from the influence it can have on our voice. It provides people like me a platform to make ourselves visible. South Asian women from LGBTQ+ spaces, particularly of my age, are not commonly visible. This award gave me the platform to continue with my fight for us women, for us South Asian women, and for my non-binary and trans siblings who really struggle.

Finally, what are you focusing on currently and how can the community support you in your journey? In the last year or so, I have realized that the road I have chosen is a very hard road. Whlst I do receive a lot of love from within the community, there has been some negativity. I am a strong person; but ill equipped to handle rumor mongers and those who are ill meaning towards me and our community. The negativity within the community is difficult to handle. I willingly fight for our rights and often face threats from strangers. I am unable to fight the toxicity within our community. I am focusing on my writing, which is my way of supporting our community through stories that have power to change our narrative. I am also focused on building the OUTspoken Speakers Network – a community interest company – into a stronger platform for women who need to raise their voices. My dream is to have more kindness and empathy in our community, towards each other. We need to hold each other up, so together we can bring in the change that is so needed.

You can connect with Raga here.

Check out some of myGwork's other recent Meet & Greet interviews, including:

• • Booth-Laird Investment Partnership’s CEO Jonathan Booth shares why there are so few ‘out’ CEOs and leaders in the corporate world.

• • Business Disability Forum’s CEO Diane Lightfoot shares the importance of being able to work in an environment where everyone is able to bring their whole selves to work, without having to conceal any aspect of who they are.

• • Parexel's LGBTQ+ ally and Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion Aida Sabo shares her career journey on how she made it to the top in engineering as a Latina woman.

• • CTS Group CEO Tom Ray shares why the LGBTQ+ community is "very important" to his company, and how he is promoting inclusion to ensure that all staff are “welcome, feel safe and can be themselves” at work.

• • London-based DJ, radio host, filmmaker, social influencer and CBK CEO Krystal Lake explains why organizations need to take homophobic remarks and labels seriously, and do more to promote LGBTQ+ inclusion.

• • Criteo's SVP of Global Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Rachel Scheel on how and why she supports diversity and LGBTQ+ inclusion as an ally, as well as workplace wellbeing.

• • The Galaxy Trust’s CEO Garry Ratcliffe shares how being an 'out' leader with a collaborative and inclusive leadership style helps to promote equality, belonging and a blame-free culture.

• • RS Components’ Group Head of Diversity, Inclusion and Engagement Jessica Chu highlights the 'huge' importance of LGBTQ+ inclusion at work and shares why being an LGBTQ+ ally is really important to her.

• • Swapi CEO Pete Howroyd who talks about workplace equality and LGBTQ+ inclusion, and the importance of ensuring that every voice is heard.

• • Unilever’s HR Vice President Richard Sharp shares why leadership has a duty to ensure that the LGBTQ+ community feels supported and included in the workplace.

• • Greenhouse Software CEO Daniel Chait shares why belonging is one of the company’s core values, as well as a powerful business strategy.

• • Burberry's Global Diversity & Inclusion Manager Safia Ann Kukaswadia highlights how she is addressing key challenges facing minority communities to gain fair representation within fashion and why the industry needs more LGBTQ+ role model leaders.

• • Dish Dash Deets’ Founder Sunni Patel shares why he founded his holistic wellbeing business, specialising in gut health and eating addictions, which he started after coming out.

• Protiviti’s Director Belton Flournoy talks about the importance of Pride Month, LGBTQ+ inclusion, and the power of being 'out' at work.
• CEO of Vexed Gaming Sonny Waheed shares how his empowering and inclusive leadership style helps him to run a successful company.
• CEO of Wonder Industries Vlady Vyshnevetskiy shares how he is helping to make the fashion world more sustainable and inclusive.
• Oracle's Sara Morley talks about her roles as Account Director and UK Lead for the company’s LGBTQ+ OPEN ERG network.
• Hearst UK’s Chief Commercial Operations Director Gianluca Ena shares the importance of LGBTQ+ inclusion in the workplace, and maintaining a work-life balance.
• HSBC’s Senior Group Inclusion Advisor Jack Guest shares some of the challenges of being an openly gay professional in Asia.
• Parexel’s Executive Vice President and Global Head, Chris Baker, shares what she looks for in new recruits and why she wants hardworking and diverse talent to be able to bring their entire selves to work.