We Can Come Together as a Community and Be Stronger for Our Collective Differences

By David Nichols, eBay

Below is a picture of me and my mother. Growing up she was a strong influence on me and my sisters. My sense of right and wrong is mostly based on lessons I learned from her. When I understood who I was, as an individual, and as a gay man, I was terrified to tell her. This story is probably the same as many other people in the community. Can you imagine being afraid to tell your own family who you are? You live the lie for as long as you can. You hide in the closet. You lead a double life. Today, my mother is my strongest ally. When I came out to her, she confessed to having an idea about my sexuality. She also felt it was her fault in some way. It took some time, but she put in the work and let go of much of the misinformation surrounding homosexuality. She is an amazing human being and has been a support for not just me, but others who have been coming to terms with who they are, or who they want to be, and coming out to their families. They are amazed at her outlook on life, and she is so very proud to have a gay son.

Why are allies important? When you think about the evolution of society there is generally a normative social structure. Something happens to challenge that normalcy and society either evolve to a new normal or the challenge dies, and things go back to the old normal. Gay, transgender, and bisexual people have been around since the dawn of time. It is seen in the animal kingdom, just as it is in the Homosapien species. We just get to talk about it. When you look at what most LGBTQ+ people want, they just want to be seen as normal. They want their existence to be the same as the prevalent hetero-normal that exists around the world. Allies help the LGBTQ+ community by showing support and allowing the narrative of the current “normal” to evolve to a more inclusive “new normal” in the world. There are many things that keep that from happening: laws, archaic religions or traditions, narrow viewpoints, misinformation, and lack of good judgment. Allies can help combat many of these. Eventually (I hope), we won’t need allies. We won’t need to “come out of the closet.” The world and society will be at a point where the acceptance of one’s sexual identity or sexual orientation does not matter, it just is. That will be a great day!

In the LGBTQ+ space, our allies help to show the world that it is possible to embrace people who are attracted to the same sex, or who identify differently than the box checked on their birth certificate. In the broader space, allies are what help make equality and equity possible. As a white male, if I lend my support, voice, and influence on issues impacting blacks or Native Americans (for example) my solidarity with these communities does not diminish my own. Hopefully, it helps to elevate and spark change. As a gay cisgender man, my support of trans brothers, sisters and siblings does not detract from the gay fight for equality and the evolution to a more inclusive normal than the current hetero-norm. By getting involved in issues that don’t impact you, you provide those who are impacted with a strong sense of belonging. An idea that we can come together as a community and be stronger for our collective differences, rather than using those differences to divide us. Change starts when people engage and are involved in the world around them.

Organizations, if you want to attract more allies you have to start with an invite! Have open and honest discussions. Don’t ‘recruit’ or try to ‘demonize’ the opposing point of view. That only serves to alienate and put people off who don’t want to ‘get in the middle of it.’ Look for common ground. The success in the late 80’s early 90’s of the National Coming Out Day was the thought that it is harder to hate someone if you know someone. Shared experience, understanding, and non-politicized education help foster discussions where people can begin to understand and sympathize/empathize with those who are not like them. Eventually, enough barriers come down that the thought of not being inclusive is so barbaric that people wonder how it could be any other way.

If you want to stand up as an ally, I would say the first thing you have to do is ask yourself, is it right? (“it” being the cause or genesis) If the answer is anything other than yes (including no buts, althoughs, or provisos) then you are not ready to be an ally. Learn all you can so that you make an informed decision for yourself. Once you become an ally I would say support, enable, educate, promote, encourage, challenge, and fight for change. Be prepared to be unpopular. You will face some of the same scorn or ridicule that those whom you are supporting face. Often being seen as a traitor by those who are less enlightened.

I have several witnessed several inspiring examples of allyship, but one that comes to mind is a story of someone who felt comfortable enough to live her truth. When my mother was working for a retailer, she would often take her lunch break outside. Over the course of several weeks, a fellow employee would join her. As often happens, my mom would talk about her family. One day she was talking about my involvement with eBay and the local pride parade. The fellow employee began to pepper her with questions about my mother’s acceptance of my sexual orientation and how my mom came to know I was gay. The employee then confessed to my mom that she was gay and wanted to marry her long-time girlfriend but was not sure how to broach the subject with her family who were pretty involved with their religion. Over the course of a few months, and several conversations with my mom, the employee told my mom that she had come out to her family. It was a bit of a rough discussion, and she wasn’t quite prepared for the breadth of the reactions. There was a period when there was no communication between the employee and her family. Basically, she was ostracized. Eventually, though, there was a coming together on common ground and while the devotion to religion still gets in the way of true healing; she paved the way for another member of the family to live their truth and be honest with who he is and who he loves.